Smackdown starts off with a nicely done recap of Rey Mysterio’s incredible Cruiserweight title win over Matt Hardy last week.

Cue rap music… let’s do this, TiVo style!

Cole and Tazz hype up the main event for tonight: Lesnar vs. Show for the Heavyweight title. Mysterio’s music hits, and the new CW champ comes out to defend his title in a rematch against Matt Hardy. Hardy is shown backstage blaming his MF’ers for last week’s loss, and beats them into the ground before he heads out to the ring alone.

MATT FACTS: Matt is too handsome to wear a mask like Rey.

Match #1: Rey Mysterio (C) vs. Matt Hardy for the CW Title

Hardy wastes no time and attacks Rey Rey before his music is even over. Hardy picks up the CW belt and stares at it before Rey Rey knocks it out of his hands with a drop kick. Rey Rey and Matt Hardy trade minor offensive moves, and Hardy tries to hang Mysterio in the corner to set up a move, but Rey Rey reverses out of it with a drop toe hold sending Hardy into the middle turnbuckle. Hardy recovers only to miss a few punches, and Rey knocks Matt into the middle rope setting up for the 619. Hardy ducks under the 619, and while Mysterio is still disoriented Hardy hits a neck breaker and covers for a 2 count.

Hardy continues punching Mysterio before setting up Rey on the top corner rope. Hardy follows him up to go for a neck breaker from the second turnbuckle, but Rey reverses it into a bulldog off the top rope. Both men stay down to catch their wind. Rey hits a few punches, but Matt ducks under one and hits Rey with the Side Effect for a near fall.

Hardy kicks Mysterio and whips him into the ropes. Hardy goes for another Side Effect, but Mysterio counters by swinging around Hardy’s waist and reversing it into a 2 count.

Mysterio hops over the rope and lands on the apron to deliver a shoulder block to Hardy’s midsection. Mysterio then leaps to the top rope and hits a West Coast Pop. Hardy breaks the count at 2 by reversing the pin into a 2 count of his own before both men stagger up and struggle to regain their composure. Matt kicks Rey in the chin, and Rey sells a re-injury of his groin muscle when he misses a kick. Hardy goes for the low blow, but Mysterio manages to escape and drop kicks Hardy onto the second rope, setting him up for another 619. Mysterio nails the 619, hits the leg drop off of the top rope, and rolls over Hardy for a VERY close 2 count.

Hardy tries to set Rey Rey up for a powerbomb, but Mysterio fights his way out of it before Hardy throws him onto the top turnbuckle, where Rey sells his groin injury again. Hardy hits an EVIL look Splash Mountain Bomb (sort of a Razor’s Edge into a Powerbomb) for another 2 count. Man… these guys should wrestle every week. Great action!

Hardy continues the beat down on Mysterio and begins to lose his composure. Hardy goes for a Twist of Fate, but Mysterio ducks out of it. Hardy again tries for the Twist of Fate, but this time Rey Rey grabs on to the top rope and hangs on while Hardy finishes the move without a victim. Mysterio climbs up to the top corner rope and hits a precarious looking West Coast Pop for the 1-2-3.

Mysterio d. Hardy via pinfall to retain the Cruiserweight Championship.

[commercial]

Back in the arena, Piper and O’Haire are center stage ready for Piper’s Pit. There is a table in the ring with two Mexican sombreros and a Japanese rice picking hat. Piper announces that tonight is International night, as he introduces the tag team champs, Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri. The champs roll down in lowrider’65 Impala, while O’Haire chugs from a liquor bottle in the ring.

Guerrero puts over that he’s excited to be on Piper’s Pit, and tells Piper that he appreciates the sombreros and maracas and tacos that Piper has provided for him. Piper assures Eddie that he won’t be hitting him over the head with a loaded burrito tonight.

Piper asks Guerrero to let O’Haire hold his title belt. Eddie says that O’Haire can hold his maracas, but not his belt. Eddie says there is no way that either he or Tajiri is going to give O’Haire the belt to hold. Tajiri then notices there is sushi on the table and decides to temporarily trade his belt for a plate of sushi, much to Eddie’s chagrin. O’Haire poses with the belt, and when Eddie asks for it back O’Haire refuses to give it back. He wants to know what Eddie is going to do to get it back.

Tajiri stops Eddie and suggests that they all have a drink to calm down. Piper offers pours some tequila and offers a toast. They all take a drink, but Tajiri doesn’t swallow his and uses the alcohol as sort of a modified Green Mist with a spray into Piper’s face. Eddie turns over the table, grabs one of the tag belts and nails O’Hare in the head.

Eddie and Tajiri recover their belts, and leave Piper and O’Haire prone in the ring.

Back in Steph’s office, Sable is randomly typing keys on a laptop. Steph comes in, and Sable says that she was just looking for Zach Gowen’s contract. Steph announces that she is bringing back the U.S. Title, and then tells Sable that she doesn’t trust her. Steph says she doesn’t need an assistant, and if Sable thinks she can out manipulate Stephanie, she’s got another thing coming. The two stare at one another and we fade to another…

[commercial]

Torrie’s music hits, and out comes the Playboy model in a skin tight blue jumpsuit. She’s sucking a lollipop, don’t you know.

Torrie takes over the ring announcer position, and announces our next match which is…

Match #2: A-Train vs. Billy Gunn

A-Train comes out to “Shave Your Back” chants… Billy Gunn comes out to the “Ass Man” music.

Gunn does a little gyrating for the crowd, and Wilson looks longingly at Billy’s buns.

A-Train starts out the action with a kick and a hard right. Gunn slides under a punch and delivers a few of his own before getting nailed by an A-Train clothesline. A-Train goes for another clothesline before Gunn ducks under and delivers two quick clotheslines of his own. Gunn whips A-Train into the corner and hits a body block. A-Train comes back and delivers a kick and covers for a 2 count.

A-Train continues kicking Gunn, and tires to set up the Derailer. Gunn gets out of it, and instead comes off the ropes and nails the Fameasser for the 1-2-3.

Billy Gunn d. A-Train via pinfall

Torrie comes in the ring post-match and slaps Gunn in the rear. She then invites Gunn to give her a little spank, which he (of course) does. The two of them leave the ring hand in hand mugging for the crowd.

Match #3: Undertaker vs. Johnny Stamboli (w/FBI)

Undertaker starts hitting The Bull with the soup bones the minute Stamboli hops in the ring, and then body blocks him into the corner. Taker sets Stamboli up for the Last Ride, but the FBI interferes. While Taker is busy with Chuck and Nunzio, Stamboli delivers a pretty amazingly high drop kick. Taker takes it to Nunzio and Palumbo outside the ring, before Stamboli hits a baseball slide to the Undertaker. Palumbo then follows up with a superkick – complete with cigar in mouth. Stamboli hops outside the ring works over the Dead man with a few punches before throwing him back into the ring. Stamboli hits an over-the-top rope leg drop for the 2 count.

Johnny continues the offense on Taker with a combination of punches and kicks in the corner of the ring. Stamboli hits a vertical suplex on the Undertaker (!) for another 2 count.

Stamboli gets up on the top rope an delivers the “Italian salute” to the crowd before missing a flying leg drop. Both men struggle to get up, and Taker delivers some hard punches to Stamboli once the two are upright again. Taker whips Stamboli into the ropes and telegraphs a back body drop, which Stamboli reverses with a stiff kick to Taker’s upper body. Taker no-sells the kick, and Stamboli mugs to the camera as if he’d just seen a ghost. Taker grabs Johnny by the throat and throws him into an approaching Palumbo, knocking Mr. Cigar off the apron. Taker then hits The Last Ride for the 1-2-3.

Undertaker d. Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli via pinfall

Taker goes after Nunzio after the match, but Chuckie hits him with a sucker punch from behind. Palumbo and Taker get in the ring, where Taker eventually delivers a chokeslam on Palumbo. Taker decides to try and pick Palumbo up for a Last Ride, but Nunzio comes in with the steel chair and knocks Big Evil out as the FBI stumble up the ramp with their music playing.

Nunzio and Taker trade stares as we go to Hulk Hogan’s locker room where he’s pumping up Zach for his big arm wrestling match against VinneMac later tonight. Tazz ain’t sure Zach has much of a chance.

[commercial]

Here comes Big Steph down the ramp into the ring where an arm wrestling table is set up. The Billion Dollar Princess announces that she’s there to oversee the arm wrestling match. She explains that if Zach wins, he will receive a Smackdown contract. If he loses, he’ll be forced to watch the Kevin Nash/HHH Hell in a Cell this Sunday (just seeing if you’re paying attention).

Steph tries to announce Gowen’s entrance, but instead Sable comes strutting down the ramp to her music. Steph blows off Sable and continues her introduction of Zach Gowen, who comes down with Mr. America. I TiVo past the entrance…

Steph then introduces her Pappy, Vince McMahon who comes out in a tank top which shows off his well-chiseled arms. Things don’t look goof for the kid, muses Tazz. Mr. America tells VinneMac that Hulk Hogan is sitting at home watching this on Smackdown. America also mentions that Vinnie’s problem isn’t with Hogan, but with him and he challenges the Chairman of the Board to an arm wrestling match.

Vinnie grabs the mic and tells Mr. America that he’s not afraid of him, and that he’s got “Billion Dollar Biceps” (I like that one). However, he will not take on Mr. America in an arm wrestling match. He’s here to arm wrestle Zach, not Mr. America. McMahon tells America to get out of the ring, right before Sable comes up and whispers something in VKM’s ear.

After hearing what Sable had to say, VKM changes his tune and decides to arm wrestle America so long as two stipulations are met. The first is that they will not be wrestling for Zach Gowen’s contract – that’s between VKM and Zach. The second stipulation is that after America loses, he has to leave the premises. Mr. America says it’s on, and we start the arm wrestling match.

America and McMahon grunt and shake as their arms are locked in the center of the table. Mr. America flips up the middle finger at the boss, and right before it looks as if he’s going to pin McMahon, Sable grabs both men and starting yelling that Mr. America is cheating. Stephanie says if Sable interrupts once more, she’s going to declare the match a DQ, and will award the win to Mr. America.

McMahon tells America that they’re switching arms this time, and VKM shakes and screams as America no-sells and begins to push Vinnie arm towards the table. Sable pulls her top down revealing her breasts, and that distracts America enough to allow VinneMac to score the win.

Mr. America gets in Vinnie’s face, but McMahon says if America lays a finger on him, Zach Gowen will never get a shot at a WWE contract. VKM then throws America and Stephanie out of the ring. Sable leaves as well, and we’re left with VinnieMac and Mr. Zach in the ring. Is it Christmas time yet?

McMahon talks trash, while Zach Gowen sheepishly walks up to the table and gets ready for the match. Vince toys with Zach, but Zach begins to actually get the better of McMahon. Vince starts yelling that Zach must be cheating. Just when Zach is about to win, Vinnie kicks Zach’s one good leg out from under him and wins the match.

Vince bullies Zach for a bit, and then screams at him to get the hell out of the ring. Vince says he needs athletes, and not some freak. Zach slowly limps out of the ring holding his arm, while VKM gloats in the ring and throws Zack’s cane at him.

I thank the Gods above that this segment has finally come to an end.

[commercial]

America is shown backstage consoling Zach, when Big Show pops in and tell Zach he has two words for him. “Forget it.”

The Wolverine’s music hits, and it looks like there a rasslin’ match about to happen…

Match #4: Chris Benoit / Rhyno vs. The Basham Brothers (w/Shaniqua)

Before we start, “Shaniqua” is Linda Miles in a dominatrix outfit. She’s jacked up, too!

The bell sounds, and Rhyno starts off with Doug Bashman. Rhyno hits a big shoulder block and a clothesline on Doug before Doug hits a neck breaker for a 2 count. Doug applies a rear chin lock on Rhyno at the center of the ring, as Shaniqua snaps her whip on the ring apron outside. Rhyno punches his way out of the chin lock, but Doug applies more offense with various kicks and punches. Rhyno then reverses an Irish whip and hits a couple of shoulder blocks in the corner. Basham goes for a clothesline, but Rhyno ducks under and nails a back suplex. Shaniqua cracks her whip some more, and Rhyno finally makes the tag to Benoit.

The other Basham comes in the ring as well, and Benoit start giving the business to both Basham brothers (who I can no longer tell apart) in the ring. He hits a wicked snap suplex on Doug (who apparently is still the legal man) for a 2 count which is broken up by brother Danny Basham. Benoit grabs Danny and whips him into Rhyno’s knee. Rhyno hits a side suplex on Danny, and the Crippler whips Doug into the ropes and than nails a German suplex. Benoit climbs up to the top rope, but is distracted by Shaniqua and misses the flying head butt.

Basham tries to put on some offense, but Benoit quickly reverses it into the Crippler Crossface. Doug looks like he’s going to tap out, but Danny once again comes in with the save. All four men brawl in the ring for a while, but while Benoit is going for a suplex on one of the Bashams, Rhyno accidentally punches Benoit in the face. While Benoit is recovering from the punch, a Basham brother hits a high axe kick and pins Benoit 1-2-3.

Basham Brothers (w/Shaniqua) d. Benoit / Rhyno via pinfall

After the match Rhyno goes to check on Benoit, but Benoit swats him away. The two partners get up in each others’ grills as we cut to…

[commercial]

Rhyno and Benoit are yelling at each other in the back. Rhyno says hits Chris was an accident, but Benoit isn’t so quick to forgive. He storms off leaving Rhyno alone to sulk.

Yo Yo Yo!!! It’s Thug-a-Nomics time!

Match #5: John Cena vs. Funaki

Do I really need to cover this match?

Anyway, John Cena cuts a rap busting on Tazz and Cole, making fun of the notion that while in Orlando Cole has been chasing boy bands around town. Cena then tells Funaki that he’s going to hit him in his mullet and kick his “camel toe”. Someone apparently forgot to tell the crowd that Cena is the bad guy, because he gets a reasonable pop after his freestyle.

Funaki grabs the mic and says, “What up, dog?” He starts chanting “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you’re ugRy”. He then puts down the mic, and busts into “The Robot”.

The bell rings and Cena nails Funaki immediately with a killer clothesline. Funaki comes off the top rope, but Cena catching him and throws him back down for some punches. Cena hits the “F.U.” (modified Death Valley Driver) for the 1-2-3.

John Cena d. Funaki via pinfall.

Here comes Kurt Angle!

[commercial]

Angle comes out to a HUGE pop, and the newly minted babyface grabs the mic. I’m still waiting for the swerve…

Angle talks about how great it is to be back, and that he’s looking forward to tonight’s matchup between Big Show and Brock Lesnar. Kurt Angle reminds everyone that he gets a championship shot against the winner Show/Lesnar, so it won’t be long before “your Olympic hero” has championship gold around his waist once again.

Kurt then calls out Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas to the ring. Team Angle slowly make their way to the ring, and shake their captain’s hand. Angle says he understands why they didn’t call Kurt in the hospital. But he doesn’t understand where they were last week during his big return. Apparently they called in sick.

Benjamin says they were indeed sick… sick of being in Kurt’s shadow. Benjamin asks where Kurt has been while Team Angle has been fighting night after night to keep Kurt’s name alive. He claims that Kurt let Team Angle down.

Kurt replies by calling Team Angle “whiny little bitches”. He says they’re supposed to be Team Angle, not Team “WAAAAngle”. (hahaha… Earth humor). Kurt says they need to sit down and figure out how they can win the tag team titles back. He heads out of the ring, but Charlie Haas grabs the mic and accuses Kurt of being all talk and no action. Charlie Haas says that Kurt isn’t their captain anymore because he is a loser. Charlie says he’s sick of people chanting “You Suck”.

Kurt says that Charlie doesn’t deserve to hear “You Suck” from the fans. Kurt then claims the reason everyone yells “You Suck” at him is because he EARNED it.

Charlie announces that the new co-leaders of Team Angle are now Shelton and himself. Kurt is welcome to stay in Team Angle, but he’ll now report to them.

Kurt says that as the founder, he’s officially kicking both Shelton and Charlie off of Team Angle. Kurt then starts miming kicking dirt Earl Weaver style on Shelton Benjamin (funny). Angle than leads the crowd with that “na na na na goodbye” song. Team Angle walks back up the ramp, shooting nasty looks at their former captain all the way.

[commercial]

Michael Cole says that during the commercial break, there was an issue with Team Angle. The cameras show that Haas and Benjamin assaulted Kurt in the back, leaving him on the floor as they stormed away.

Match #6: Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar (c)

The two big men get in the ring and exchange pleasantries before Lesnar throws his belt at Show, and delivers shoulder blocks in the corner as the bell rings to signal the start of the match. Show reverses an Irish whip into a clothesline for a 2 count. Lesnar delivers some kicks to the guy of Show, and tries to go for a belly-to-belly suplex which Show gets out of with a head butt.

Show throws Lesnar in the corner and begins delivering knees and Flair chops. Show whips Lesnar into the corner, but has his body block blocked by Lesnar’s foot. Lesnar then attempts a clothesline which fails to knock the big man down. Show hits an elbow that sends Lesnar reeling into the ropes. Show trying to clothesline Lesnar out of the ring, but Lesnar ducks and pulls the top rope down sending Show to the outside.

Lesnar takes it to Show outside with punches and kicks. Show reverses an Irish whip and drives Lesnar into the steel steps. Show breaks up the stairs, and rolls in and out of the ring to break up the referee’s count. Tazz puts this over as the most intelligent thing that a human being has ever done.

Back outside, Show grabs Lesnar and throws him back in the ring. Lesnar delivers kicks to the midsection, and some punches. Lesnar comes off the ropes for a clothesline, but instead Show delivers a Sidewalk Slam for the 2 count. Show delivers a few kicks to the prone Lesnar, because Big Show applies a Single Leg Boston Crab.

That’s right. The Big Show applied a Single Leg Boston Crab. Lesnar makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Show throws a tired Lesnar into the corner and works him over with punches and kicks. Lesnar ducks out of a Show’s attack, and starts to hit the big man with several punches. Lesnar then hits an “almost” German suplex on Show, and as Show is prone, Lesnar is getting psyched up.

Lesnar delivers a kick to the mid-section and tries to hoist the Big Show up for the F-5, but drops him midway through the maneuver. The two men struggle to get up, and Lesnar connects with two kicks to the midsection before Show delivers a WICKED clothesline which knocks the champ down.

Show signals for the choke slam, but Brock reverses and delivers more kicks to the midsection. Lesnar bounces off the ropes only to run into a Big Boot from Big Show. Show then hits a leg drop and covers up for a 2 count.

Show signals for the choke slam again, and this time he connects. But somehow Lesnar kicks out from the chokeslam at 2. Big Show cannot believe that Lesnar kicked out of his move.

Show tries for another choke slam, but this time he wants to choke him from the top rope. On the way up, Big Show manages to break the choke hold, and delivers some punches to Show, who is up on the second turnbuckle.

Lesnar than delivers an amazing superplex on Show that ACTUALLY COLLAPSES THE RING!!! The crowd goes absolutely crazy, and Tazz and Cole seem genuinely surprised. There’s a big “Holy Sh*T” chant going, and I’m yelling the same thing from my living room. Wow…

Lesar and Show lay prone in the ring, and Mike Kiota calls for EMT’s to come out to the ring. The EMT’s cater to Show and Lesnar as the show comes to an end.

Brock Lesnar and Big Show fight to a no-contest. Lesnar retains.

SMACKDOWN RESULTS

Rey Mysterio (C) d. Matt Hardy via pinfall to retain the Cruiserweight Belt

Billy Gunn d. A-Train via pinfall

The Undertaker d. Johnny Stamboli via pinfall

The Basham Brothers (w/Shaniqua) d. Chris Benoit / Rhyno via pinfall

John Cena d. Funaki via pinfall

Brock Lesnar (c) and Big Show fight to a no contest – Lesnar retains WWE Championship

(Credit: 1wrestling)