These four things I KNOW are true: EVERYONE will miss "Classy" Freddie Blassie; Bad Blood is going to SUCK like we expected; Crash SHOULD be the next number one contender for the Cruiserweight Title; And I'm Matt Zylbert, let's go to the 'five-star' Velocity Report.

I couldn't resist using the Max Kellerman intro again. Maybe it should become a permanent fixture here in the 'five-star' Velocity Report. In any case, hello all and welcome back to the weekly pleasure. I am your astounding reporter Matt Zylbert, and THIS is the 'five-star' 1Wrestling.com Velocity Report that takes on all challengers. With another big night of Velocity action set to take place, let's send it down to TONY THE CHIM for our opening bout...

Actually, before we even get to the first match, we have a rare Velocity segment! Out in the parking lot from "earlier today," Josh and Cat arrive to the arena (!!), with Josh driving and Cat sitting in the back. Guess he's too embarrassed to be seen sitting in shotgun with Josh. When they get out, they argue about who the real star of Velocity is (!!), and Cat eventually gets Josh to carry his bags. "SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA, I'm the big star around here, kid," says Cat. Over on the right, we see Spanky arrive on a pogostick, and he gives a tip to some guy for him to park it. But once the guy says he can't park pogosticks, Spanky takes the dollar back! Oh man, I'm smelling a heel turn. The whole segment didn't really accomplish anything, but I definitely consider this as a contender for Segment of the Year.

The awesome Velocity intro plays. It's amazing how I can watch it every week. Crash and Albert are in it!

Crash w/Shannon Moore, The Hardyz Book, & The Matt Hardy WWE Magazine vs Orlando Jordan
Yup, they've added a new member to the stable: The WWE magazine with Matt on the cover. If you thought the book was getting a lot of TV time here on Velocity, let's see what the magazine can accomplish... before Triple H holds it down. Focusing on our match, Jordan just debuted last week in an upset win over Jamie Noble (Who deserves much, much better treatment), while Crash just came off of an appearance in the Smackdown main-event! Will Orlando Jordan keep up his winning streak? FEEL the suspense... of the Velocity opener!

"Kid, I like this new guy right here, man," says The Cat. Well said, kid. To the match as we get some basics to start, while on commentary, Cat refers to Josh as the "star jackass" of the show. See, this is what Velocity needs. When the announcers are allowed to have fun (Which they've been doing all along) and actually argue who the star of the show is, then more people will wanna watch, thus leading to an increase in ratings. Sure, it's a "B-Show" but, like John Cena said last week, it's the best show on television! Away from my rambling, Jordan manages to take control as he strikes Crash with a dropkick, before going to the arm-bar. He arm-drags Crash from that position, while we learn that Orlando Jordan was trained by Rocky Johnson. Crash misses a cheap shot by the ropes at this point, allowing Jordan to work the arm-drag into an arm-bar combo. The Moore-On frees himself with a knee, and then suckers Jordan into a hangman into the ropes. After stomping him from the apron, Crash gains a near fall from referee Jimmy Korderes. Now in control, Crash snapmares Jordan and then applies a sit-down bow-and-arrow submission. As Jordan seemed to be getting out, Crash turned it into a regular arm-bar, to which Jordan manages to counter. However, Crash nails him with a knee to the mid-section to stay in control for the moment. I say moment because Jordan makes a comeback anyway, blocking a punch from Crash and following up with some rights of his own. He was an amateur boxer, ya know. Following a back elbow, Jordan lifts Crash up for a backbody drop, and then clocks him with an upper cut for two. He continues his current dominance from the top, as he connects with a high crossbody-block, picking yet another two count. As Jordan works over his opponent with some punches now, Crash manages to counter with a bridge roll-up by the ropes, and as Shannon holds his arms down, Korderes tolls the three count to pick up the cheap victory. I like Crash. Surprisingly, none of the devastating reading material played a role in this match.
Winner: Crash

Commercial

The Kurt Angle highlights package airs. Nice job by the production crew.

Josh and Cat intro highlights from Smackdown, that being Kurt Angle's return interview, which also featured The Big Show and Brock Lesnar in the process. It's great seeing Kurt back.

Commercial

A-Train vs Funaki
THE ALBERT SQUASH LIVES ON! Lately, Albert has been on Velocity every week, and I couldn't be more happier. Well now this week, it's the most repeated match in Velocity History: Albert vs Funaki!

To our hopeful Albert Squash as Josh mentions how this is the 800th match between these two on this show. He then says the series is tied at 400 apiece, but not even CLOSE. How bout, 799-1, in favor of Albert. I still remember that Funaki win though. Anyway, Albert shoves Funaki to start, but he would come storming back with a dropkick to the leg, before hitting the big man with an enziguiri. It would do no good though as Funaki ends up running into the awesome bicycle kick, and from there, Albert finishes him off with ease with the Train Wreck to pick up the easy victory. You have squashes, and then you have ashes (Pronounced oshez), which is my name for a shortened squash. This was an ash.
Winner: A-Train

But WAIT! Albert has the mic, and it looks like he's gonna say something. I know I'm calling all my friends for this. Maybe he'll call himself "Velocity Number One Prisoner" again! Oh man, I'd mark out till next year if he did that. "That's not good enough," says Albert, who goes on to state how this wasn't close to being done. He wants someone who will give him a fight... and DeMott's music plays. That must be a mistake. The old Bill DeSquash would give him a fight, not this current Hugh Morrus. Instead, he has a joke. "Knock, knock," says DeMott. "Who's there," the crowd surprisingly responds. Youneeda. Youneeda who? You needa shave your back. Ugh, what a horrid joke. There's good jokes, good bad jokes, bad jokes, and then awful bad jokes. This was an awful bad joke. From behind, Funaki comes back in and pulls on Albert's back hair, before being disposed of over the top rope. Meanwhile, DeMott comes running down and clotheslines Albert over the top rope, as we head to a...

Commercial.

A-Train vs Bill DeMott
This is an impromptu match, ladies and gentlemen; the first EVER to occur on Jakked/Metal/Velocity. It brings a tear to my eye to see history in the making. And this is also the first time EVER where a wrestler has fought in more than one match on the the same show on Jakked/Metal/Velocity. Well if it was going to be someone, then it might as well have been the show's big-time main-eventer for all these years: Albert.

As we return from a commercial break, some other referees have come down to try and hold Albert back. Why hold him back? It's Albert vs DeMott for the 678,371st time. And Albert's won all of them. Luckily, Albert tosses the refs away and goes inside, and our match is on! Albert knocks down DeMott with his SCREAMING shoulderblock, but ends up running into a boot in the corner. DeMott then attempts a SCREAMING shoulder block of his own, but to no avail as Albert remains on his feet. He then knocks him down with a clothesline, as the signature "Shave Your Back" chant starts up. That chant started on Velocity, ya know. Albert continues his current offense with a bodyslam and a pair of splashes, but only for a count of two. The hairy-one now works over DeMott in the corner with some of those CLUBBY forearms, before whacking the former Jobber Squash with a short-arm clothesline. Ya know, it was during the last Albert/DeMott match several weeks ago where DeMott turned face. Now look what Albert's doing to him. Anyway, Albert connects on a Vader Bomb at this point, picking up another two count in the process as DeMott got his foot on the rope. Going for a submission, Albert applies the BEARHUG OF IRONY, which doesn't work. At first, DeMott clubs his way out, but Albert delivers a headbutt to the mid-section, and applies the hold again. Despite this, DeMott manages to break free again and come back with a spinebuster. Both men are down and as DeMott gets up in the corner, Albert attempts the I-really-really-really-like-to-scream-really-loud-as-I-run-at-you-in-the-corner ram. To his dismay, DeMott sidesteps it and gets Albert in a roll-up... for the win! DEMOTT BEAT ALBERT! DEMOTT BEAT ALBERT! It's taken him 678,371 tries, but by God, he finally did it. Now hopefully, they'll have a no-holds barred match between Albert and DeMott at the first Smackdown-only PPV in July. 90% of the fans already have no clue about DeMott's current gimmick, while 75% are probably still wondering where A-Train has been lately, so think of the possibilities! There'd be no boundaries!
Winner: Bill DeMott

Commercial

Burn of the Night: Two weeks ago on Smackdown, Matt Hardy Version 1.0 lays out Rey Mysterio with a cheap shot backstage.

Josh and Cat show the Matt/Rey match from Smackdown, in which Rey became the new Cruiserweight Champion. Now maybe they'll have Matt Hardy Version 2.0, who will can compete for Heavyweight titles.

Commercial

Rewind: This past week on Smackdown, Vince announces an ARM-WRESTLING match between he and Zack Gowen, with Gowen's contract on the line. I can hardly wait. Not.

Sean O'Haire vs Spanky
It's MAIN EVENT time, as we have Sean O'Haire take on the man he convinced to go "streaking" during a Smackdown match, Spanky. Why don't our hosts point that out? O'Haire's first Velocity match was just a few weeks ago, when he squashed Funaki in the main event, while Spanky appears on the show every other week. Could this be another O'Haire O'Squash? I hope!

To our main event now as both men exchange kicks to start, with O'Haire easily winning that battle after taking out Spanky's leg. He tosses him by the hair, but comes up empty on a short-arm clothesline as Spanky counters with a crucifix into a sunset flip. Even though O'Haire blocked it, Spanky manages to get some offense started, tattooing O'Haire with the side-salto kick, before forcing him into the corner with the flying jalapeno... err, a flying forearm. As Spanky seeks more offense moments later though, he ends up eating a clothesline, giving O'Haire the advantage. Sean starts his offense with some kicks and a bodyslam, before working over the "international superstar" with some choking. A kick to the chest later leads into an arm bar for O'Haire. Spanky tries fighting back, but falls victim to a kick to the back. O'Haire goes back to the arm bar, only to have Spanky bite his way out. He runs into a back elbow though, and O'Haire knocks him out with another hard kick. Maybe he should use his pogostick to get back in. O'Haire sends him back in instead, and ends up losing control. O'Haire had caught him on a crossbody attempt, but Spanky wiggled free, allowing him to connect with a springboard forearm. He uses his Dr. Teeth move to get O'Haire on his knees, leading into a ghetto blaster for two. At this point, Spanky avoids a ram in the corner and is able to execute a tornado DDT from the second rope... for two again. He now goes for Sliced Bread #2, but O'Haire counters with the Prophecy to pick up the win. What's the point of using Spanky as a jobber for every match? I like O'Haire and he's got potential to be a main-eventer some day, but Spanky doesn't deserve the jobber treatment he's been getting lately.
Winner: Sean O'Haire

(Credit: 1wrestling)