WWE Velocity Results: 1/3/04 By: Rob Morris on 01/04/04
WWE Velocity
Hosted by Josh Mathews and Bill DeMott
Report by Matt Zylbert - BigShot5021@aol.com
Happy New Year, everyone! Now that we've made it to 2004, there's basically only one thing on my mind about this year (Besides more potential exciting episodes of Velocity): Graduation! Hello all and welcome to the coolest hang-out of 2004. As always, I am your bizarre reporter Matt Zylbert, and THIS is the 'five-star' 1Wrestling.com Velocity Report that has attained permanent main-event status over the years. As we kick off another year of great Velocity action, and a year where the Velocity wrestlers know that the Zylbert Velocity Awards will reward them at the conclusion of 2004, let's send it down to TONY THE CHIM for our opening bout...
A-Train vs Funaki
I'm guessing they purposely made this the first Velocity match of 2004 JUST for me. It's the return of the Albert Squash to Velocity! With a new year upon us, this may be Albert's year to re-obtain the status he once had being the ultimate Velocity Jobber Squasher, like in 2002. If you didn't see the first annual Zylbert Awards yet, then you obviously didn't see that Albert finished LAST in the Velocity Jobber Squasher of the Year voting (Well behind his opponents, Sean O'Haire and Bill DeSquash), so maybe he has decided to return to the show full-time and squash jobbers and Cruiserweights like he once did in the past. Oh, I'd love that. I would love that very much. And a new year means another fresh year of Velocity for Funaki.
"What a great way to start off 2004!" proclaims WWE's elite play-by-play man, Josh Mathews. Josh also won a Zylbert Award, ya know. To prove his greatness, Josh actually does acknowledge the storied history on Velocity between Funaki and A-Train, which is nice, as he refers to this contest as the 2,385th one between the two. Not quite, but it's certainly in double-digits. And he even mentions how Funaki once beat Albert! Ah, that was during the Marc Loyd days and when Albert made his FAMOUS statement, "This is Albert, Velocity Number One Prisoner." Good times, good times. To our hopeful Albert Squash now as Funaki ducks a tie-up to start, but Albert grabs him by the throat anyway. Funaki kicks himself free and scoots outside, where A-Train briefly follows him. Funaki suckers him back into the ring, where he is able to deliver some kicks while the big man is down, before applying a sleeper. Albert rams him into the corner to break free, but is unable to follow-up as Funaki escapes his wrath. The Indeed-One capitalizes with a schoolboy for two, and then proceeds to bounce off the ropes. After ducking a pair of back elbows, Funaki ends up running a SCREAMING shoulder-block, and just like that, he's ripe for the pickings as Albert quickly gets him up and executes the Train Wreck... for the easy three count. Little on the short side. Albert, if you want to win the 2004 Velocity Jobber Squasher of the Year Award, just make your squashes like they used to be; like longer. After the match, Albert restores my faith as he STARES at Josh from inside the ring, and it looks like they're going to tease another wrestler/announcer Velocity feud... again. This is especially funny because the last time they teased something like this was in the early part of 2003 when Bill DeMott himself did it to Josh. I'm a little upset Josh has never asked him about that. I mean, he could say, "Hey, Bill, I've always wanted to know something. Why did you used to stare me down after each Bill DeSquash Squash last year?" Would be interesting.
Winner: A-Train
Commercial (I never thought I could hate a video game so much without even playing it. Final Fantasy X-12 accomplishes this feat)
Sting of the Night: This past week on Smackdown, Rey Mysterio dethrones Tajiri of the Cruiserweight Championship in a really good, lengthy match. Vince, SEE what happens when you give matches time? They turn out great and everyone likes them. Simple concept.
Josh and Bill intro highlights from this past week's Smackdown, and as always in this timeslot, it involves Los Guerreros. First, we see the Cruiserweight Title celebrating as Rey celebrates with the most diverse group of friends I've ever seen. Let's see, I spot a cowboy, a Moore-on, the number one announcer, a black Velocity jobber, oh, and Los Guerreros. I thought Rey was one of the more popular guys in the locker room. In typical cool Chavo-like fashion, Chavo breaks up the party to talk with Eddie, and tell him to stop thinking about the Royal Rumble and instead think about Los Guerreros, the team. We then see Los Guerreros taking on the World's Greatest Tag Team later that night in their usual good match, with the WGTT actually getting the victory this time. Afterwards, the Guerreros are about to EXPLODE, until Kurt Angle comes to the rescue. Kurt also chats with Eddie in the back about being selfish and how he and Chavo are family. Wow, they so ruined Kurt Angle's return.
Commercial
Rewind: From Smackdown, John Cena and Chris Benoit defeat Velocity's stable, the FBI, in a handicap match to enter the Royal Rumble. At least one of the FBI better be in the Rumble or I'll be pissed. I mean, after all, in the words of Bill DeMott, Chuck Palumbo's a heavyweight championship contender.
Basham Brothers w/Shaniqua vs The Maximos
Yes, the Maximos are the SAT, Joel and Jose, and they're real good. As far as the Bashams go, this is their first Velocity in several months, having been on the show consistently before they became this "big" tag-team now. It's great having the champs on Velocity, even if it's non-title, but what did the Bashams do in the first place to even earn the titles? What exactly is so special about them that sets them apart from other teams? I know Doug and Danny were OVW veterans (Ten years?) but as a young team, they shouldn't be winning the titles two or three months after they became a pair. This should be pretty good, though
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something: It's the return of Cat's tall glass of chocolate milk to Velocity! Man, I wonder what Cat's thinking now. He gave up his nice comfortable, relaxing seat on Velocity and a job that everyone wants (Doing color for Velocity) so he could return as an entertainer that, sadly, people are starting to dislike him for. I think he's entertaining but it's just a matter of WWE mis-using him. It's not like it's a surprise that he's being mis-used (Welcome to the club, Cat), but I'd just prefer him back on Velocity with Josh. Anyway, to our match now as Jose and Danny start us off, while Josh considers it a "treat" to have the Maximos on Velocity. For you it is, but for Velocity reporters like me, this match is going to be like HELL to report. I can't tell the difference between Joel and Jose, and Danny and Doug are practically twins. Doug has more hair, but I can never notice it on first glance. And those problems arise as we see some quick tags to start, while Zylbert has much problems trying to report it. It eventually setles down a bit as Joel administers a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, before tagging out to Jose. He connects with a flying crossbody from the top for two, and stays in control following a kick to the face. Before he can continue with the advantage, though, Danny stands on the middle rope while holding up the top one, and Jose goes crashing to the floor as he went off the ropes. Doug continues to distract as Shaniqua gets involved by whacking Jose with a big boot on the outside. After sending him back in, Doug scores consecutive two-counts, and then tags in his partner. Danny comes in to deliver some kicks and shoulder rams, and as he distracts referee Mike Sparks now, Doug chokes him from the apron with the tag rope. Danny follows it up with the snapmare/chinlock combo, and of course, Jose gets out with some elbows and a jawbreaker. The first attempt at a tag is blocked by Danny, but Jose manages to crawl through his legs anyway and make the HOT HOT HOT tag to Joel. The other Maximo comes in with dropkicks galore, connecting on each Basham. Soon after, all four men get involved for some LOW-CARD MAYHEM. Doug gets knocked outside, while the Maximos focus on Danny. They go for a Hardy Boyz-like manuever as Joel gets on his hands and knees for Jose to run and jump off him. Instead, though, Danny catches Jose and gives him a spinebuster... onto Joel. Ouch. Jose is disposed of outside, while Doug re-enters as Danny goes back outside. As Joel gets to his feet, Doug shilacks him with the LEG-LINE, and that's enough to pick up the victory. Pretty funny to see Doug using that as a finisher now because when he was a Velocity jobber, that was just one of his regular moves. And I still remember Tazz's call from October 2002 during a Doug Basham match; "A legline... by Basham." I don't know why but that still cracks me up. As far as this match goes, it was decent, but I expected more.
Winners: Basham Brothers
Instead of going to a commercial, Josh and Bill shill Jamie Noble's match coming up after the break, and then shows highlights from three weeks ago as it was Noble who used Nidia again in a match, this time with Rey Mysterio. The plan backfired, however, as Noble lost the match, and afterwards, he convinced her that it was Rey Mysterio who hit her. An arguement in Spanish between Rey and Nidia ensued.
Commercial
EARLIER TONIGHT (On Velocity!!), Jamie Noble is talking with Nidia in the back about his match later tonight. Noble basically just tells her to trust him over Rey Mysterio, and mentions how there's a chance she won't be able to see again. He then tells her to do nothing at ringside during his match tonight. I don't think this match will win 2004 Velocity Segment of the Year, but it served its purpose.
Jamie Noble w/Nidia vs Brandon Groom
Wow, a blind woman on Velocity! I've seen it all now. This is Noble's first Velocity in quite awhile, so it's good to see him back. Brandon Groom, meanwhile, is making his first Velocity appearance in almost exactly a year when he lost to Matt Hardy Version 1.0 in late December 2002. Oh, I miss Matt on Velocity. Say it with me, for ol' times sake: V-1-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This should be pretty good.
"All my money is on Jamie 'By God' Noble!" states Josh. Hey, is the FBI taking bets on this match? Imagine if you could actually bet on jobber matches. Life would be so easy. To our match now as Noble traps Groom in a quick pin to start for one, and they go through some basics next. This leads to a shoulder block from Noble, but is unable to follow-up with a hip-toss as Groom blocks it. The Velocity Jobber counters with an overhead suplex, allowing him to get an arm-bar. Noble gets out as he forces Groom head-first into the second turnbuckle, and now seeks to start his offense. Following some corner kicks, Noble gets a two count, as I am REALLY starting to get annoyed by a fan who screams "Nooooo-ble" over-and-over. That frighteningly must tell you how quiet everyone else is if you can clearly hear one annoying fan. Noble gets a suplex for a near fall now, before going to a bow-and-arrow. Groom counters out moments later with a back suplex, and both men are down. Meanwhile, on commentary, DeMott and Josh continue their arguement about Nidia's blindness, leading Josh to say that Bill has changed his views for 2004. Well, if you want to win 2004 Velocity Commentator of the Year, just be yourself, Bill. And get back in the ring and start squashing jobbers again if you want to win 2004 Velocity MVP. Both men get up and Groom hopes to take control as he drills Noble with a clothesline. Despite receiving a back elbow from his opponent, Groom blocks a neckbreaker by holding on to the ropes, and is then able to capitalize with an Oklahoma roll for two. Noble is able to corral Groom now into a Tiger Bomb attempt, but Groom takes him down by his feet and gets another pinning predicament for a near fall. The jobber goes for some more offense now as he attempts a hip-toss, but Noble counters with a DDT that leads right into his new Paydirt submission hold, and that's all she wrote. After the match, you can hear Noble say to Nidia, "See what happens when you don't get involved?" Josh can't believe it, but I thought it was pretty funny. Imagine if Brandon Groom actually went after Nidia during the match.
Winner: Jamie Noble
Commercial
Josh and Bill intro more highlights from Smackdown, this time being all the Hardcore Holly/Big Show stuff. First, it was the Big Show who interrupted Rey Mysterio's title celebration to promote his shirt and deliver the joke of the night (About being in-shape). Big Show gets ahold of Rey-Rey after he had tossed his new crappy shirt into the crowd, and Holly made the save... with a dropkick. Man, give that guy a PPV title match, he just saved Rey from the biggest guy in the company... with a DROPKICK. Big Show was pissed as a result, and got a match later on with Sparky Plugg, that ended in a DQ as Bob hit a low-blow. Josh and Bill then shill the Brock Lesnar/Hardcore Holly title match THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT. I don't think there is one single person that views Sparky Plugg as any kind of threat to the WWE Title. Not ONE. And before Brock injured him, Holly was feuding with my boy MARC LOYD. Moving up from feuding with a B-show announcer to World Champion, heh, that's gotta be a record or something.
Commercial
The "Billy Gunn Returns at Royal Rumble" video airs. Why would Paul Heyman let a scrub into the Rumble just because he's returning from injury? The only positive thing about this is that in some of the highlights, you could see the Velocity set in the background.
Orlando Jordan & Shannon Moore vs Tajiri Security
Wow, it's main-event time, and could this foreshadow Velocity in 2004? This is Jordan and Moore's first match as a team together, so if it becomes permanent, expect them to contend for the 2004 Velocity Tag Team of the Year. Akio and Sakoda, meanwhile, may also contend for that award, as they will most likely be on Velocity for a good part of the year. This shouldn't be too bad.
To our first main event of 2004 as Jordan and Sakoda start us off. We get some basics and reversals to start, leading into a shoulder block from Jordan. A hip-toss and headlock takedown follows from the Velocity mainstay, showing me that he's actually learned a new move. Usually an arm-drags proceeds the hip-toss. Tag to Shannon, who slingshots into the ring on a sunset flip for a near fall, and Sakoda breaks away soon after with a knee to the mid-section. Tag to Akio, who comes in and receives a shoulder block for his troubles. Shannon gets a two count from referee Jimmy Korderes on the pin after, before performing a leg-takedown. A spinning heel kick from Moore follows for another two count, and loses control soon after. After being Irish-whipped into the corner, Moore attempts a springboard reverse crossbody, but is unable to successfully hit it as he lands right on Akio's knee. Pretty cool spot. Tag to Sakoda, who works a quick backbreaker. He then hangs Shannon in the tree of woe, and distracts as Akio pulls Shannon backward by the head from the outside. Jordan tries to help but only ends up distracting, which enables Akio to get in some kicks during the whole process. Reminds me of Aggrivated Assault, one of the FBI's signature moves on Velocity. They break it up as Sakoda covers for two, so he tags in Akio again. After a knee to the mid-section, Akio locks on an abdominal stretch, but Moore is able to escape. Akio tries to stay in control as he runs up Moore in the corner. However, as he runs at his opponent again, Moore counters with a hip-toss into the turnbuckle, and both men are down. Akio tags first, while Shannon gets to his corner for the HOT HOT HOT tag to Orlando Jordan. The face everyone hates (Or at least according to most of you) enters the ring and cleans house of Tajiri Security as he issues dropkicks and backdrops all round. Jordan now attempts the Tazz-wonders-how-you-shuffle-your-johnson Johnson Shuffle, but misses on the final punch and Tajiri Security make him pay with that double enziquiri move. Sakoda covers, but Moore breaks it up at two. He dropkicks Akio out of the ring, and Sakoda goes after him. He Irish-whips him off the ropes, but Moore ducks a clothesline and somersaults over the top onto Akio. While Sakoda is pissed at himself, Jordan revives himself, lifts Sakoda up, and gives him... a powerslam... for the win. He used that powerslam the last time he beat Kanyon a few weeks ago, so I guess he now has a third finisher in his few-month-long tenure in the WWE. I don't get that, nor this decision. Akio and Sakoda have a lot of potential to be a great team here, yet their record on Velocity is now at 0-2. Meanwhile, I doubt the team of Jordan and Moore will go anywhere. Solid match, by the way, and it leads to an IMPROMPTU DeMott's Turning Points.
Winners: Orlando Jordan & Shannon Moore
DEMOTT'S TURNING POINT~!- Wow, I was getting really worried that we would have no DeMott's Turning Point for two straight weeks now. In this week's edition, DeMott reviews the ending of our last match, saying the turning point came when Shannon dropkicked Akio out of the ring. He then points out how Sakoda going after Shannon, the illegal man, instead of staying focused on Jordan, was also a turning point. I beg to differ. If he still focused on Orlando, who's to say that Shannon wouldn't attack Sakoda from behind? Either way, another arousing edition of DTP.
Josh and Bill close out the show, and that's that.
